Cetacean Conscription

“According to media reports from Russia, captured beluga whales are to be used to guard naval bases, assist military divers and help kill enemy intruders. … The beluga’s highly sensitive sonar capability made them potentially suitable for guarding the waters around the entrances to naval facilities.” http://uk.whales.org/news/2017/06/captured-beluga-whales-forced-into-military-service

Since they’re already white, is it possible that Beluga whales are concetaceaous objectors?


“Shell said today it had made a marginal discovery of oil and gas with its summer exploration in the Chukchi Sea but not enough to continue to the search for the ‘foreseeable’ future.” (http://www.theguardian.com/business/2015/sep/28/shell-ceases-alaska-arctic-drilling-exploratory-well-oil-gas-disappoints)

The company thought it could make “up polar” into “popular” but it turned out “unpopular” made a “polar u-pun”.


“Put in touch with Greenpeace by Klein, Fonda last week called Joanna Kerr, the organisation’s executive director in Canada, and asked what she could do to help in the battle against climate change. Kerr told her there was an event planned in British Columbia at the weekend, and Fonda replied, ‘I’ll book a flight.'” (http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/jun/15/jane-fonda-shell-arctic-oil-drilling-obama)

A bicycle might have been more in the spirit.


“New species are appearing in the diet of polar bears due to climate change … [such as] the carcasses of two white-beaked dolphins. … A visibly skinny old male bear devours one of the dolphins and appeared to have stored a second one under snow for later.” (http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/jun/12/polar-bears-eat-dolphins-as-arctic-warms)

Proving you can have your white-beak and eat it.


“Shell estimates its Arctic activities will expose more than 2,500 [endangered] bowhead whales, more than 2,500 gray whales and more than 50,000 [threatened] ringed seals to continuous sounds and pulsed sounds, deemed damaging enough to constitute harassment.” (http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jun/05/shells-us-arctic-drilling-whales-seals)

This intense noise pollution would be in order to extract oil, the likely spillage of which would destroy the fragile Arctic ecosystem, and the burning of which would set the planet on a path to climate change that would render the oceans uninhabitably acidic. So the marine mammals may as well surrender now.


“The Bureau of Ocean Energy Management, an agency within the U.S. Department of the Interior, gave conditional approval in May to Shell’s resumption of fossil fuel exploration in the Arctic. …
The decision was met with approval by some Alaska lawmakers, who believe it will bring money and jobs to the state, as well as protests from environmentalists.” (http://uk.reuters.com/article/2015/06/02/us-shell-alaska-lawsuit-idUKKBN0OI2IH20150602)

Alaska lawmakers welcome protests as these also bring in revenue and much needed social contact.

The Doomsday Dance

“The Shell document says: ‘We also do not see governments taking steps now that are consistent with 2 degrees C scenario.'” (http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/may/17/shell-accused-of-strategy-risking-catastrophic-climate-change)

We’ll happily take a step just as soon as you do.
Well, we’ll happily make a move if you’re all agreed that we should.
You absolutely should so long as it’s unilateral across all companies.
Of course, of course; so you’ll take that step?
We’ll happily take a step just as soon as you do.
Ad apocalypsium.

“If we want to avoid the worst effects of climate change, we need to keep Arctic oil in the ground. Arctic drilling gives us a 75 percent chance of an oil spill and a 100 percent chance of climate catastrophe.” (http://news.mongabay.com/2015/0515-morgan-shell-gets-green-light-for-exploratory-drilling.html)