“Fruit-eating bats are vital to tropical reforestation due to their … fundamental role in seed dispersal due to their exceptional species diversity, abundance, and a variety of canopy and understory feeding habits.” (

Essentially, growing bat-shit canopy.


“New varieties, innovative growing methods – including the use of LED lights … [and] climate-controlled glasshouses have allowed growers to extend the season for British strawberries. As a result, British strawberries are now available from March to December.” (

With all the nutritional value and flavour of wet toilet paper.


“Research by Harvard University found that men who ate the greatest amount of fruit and vegetables with high levels of pesticide residue had a 49% lower sperm count and a 32% fewer normally formed sperm than those who consumed the least.” (

Feminists applauded the report for demonstrating that libidinous males are pests.

Cosmetic App

“The [genetically modified] apples are identical to their conventional counterparts except the flesh of the fruit will retain a fresh appearance after it is sliced or bruised.” (

Who has an appetite for covering up the bruises of fruit abuse?


“The Les fruits et légumes moches (inglorious fruit and vegetables) initiative offers misshapen fruit and vegetables at a 30% discount … with slogans including ‘hideous orange makes beautiful juice’.” (

Tres chicory.